Red Rocks

I love October.  The change of season fills the air.  Orange and yellow hues in the foliage brighten gloomy skies. The slight chill in the air makes me want to light a fire and drink hot chocolate out of a huge mug, getting whipped cream on my nose.  Mostly it is about the change and wow have things been changing!

I have been really busy lately, and it is great.  I went back to school and am loving the learning.  I am back working both my jobs at full throttle, and of course making time for loving friends and family.  Today, I have decided to do much of nothing, but reflect on life.  Neglecting this blog has been a problem.

A day of significance came and passed, but I would be remiss in not acknowledging it.  September and October have always been big for change in my life.  September 20th marked one year since my divorce has been final, and brings me to my last stop on my healing by traveling.  I did not want to be at my home when my divorce was final last year so a mini trip was in order.  Since I am always provided for, the perfect opportunity came about.

Super friend Susie and I had gone to see the Dave Matthews Band and Jason Mraz in Fresno in August of 2009.  We had so much fun that we were looking where we could go next.  Turns out, Jason was playing in Colorado at the Red Rocks Amphitheater.  Well look at that, another bucket list item. Seen a show at Red Rocks?:  Check!  Off we go to Colorado.

I had always wanted to visit Colorado and I wasn't disappointed.  It was absolutely beautiful!  The weather was mild with big, fluffy white clouds everywhere against turquoise blue skies.  The amphitheater was awesome.  Words wouldn't do those majestic Red Rocks justice.  And then there is Jason.  He is a great source of inspiration in spirituality and love.  The whole experience was magical.

The next day, after the concert, Susie left early to visit her boyfriend in Arizona.  I took her to the airport and dropped her off.  My flight didn't leave until later that evening.  I went back to Red Rocks park and wrote a bit and just relished in all the beauty.  So I was officially divorced. The marriage, on paper was over.  How did I feel about that?  I was sad of course, but content.  The nightmare I had been living was done.  I had all sorts of possibilities open for me if I would just be open.  It would take me another year to achieve that.

It would have been our ten year anniversary next Friday.  I am a person who holds on to sentimental attachments, whether in objects or dates.  I came to the realization that I was still blocking myself to my possibilities.  So, I decided to sell my wedding ring and some other jewelry he had given me over the years.  These no longer served me, so might as well not have them in my home.  Letting go of attachments, while difficult, gave me a sense of freedom.  Also, my car started to slowly fall apart.  My ex-husband had helped me buy that car, and while I loved her, it was also time to move on with that, so I bought myself a new car.  Change, change change, just like the leaves and the season.

Jason Mraz played in Santa Barbara this past Friday, so I made the trek up to see him.  He was there for me giving love in his music and sharing his energy a year ago and now again.  As I get present to the music, I smiled thinking about the soulful brown eyes of another amazing soul arriving in my life.  I am open, for real this time, to all possibilities.  I wait patiently for what will arrive next.  This is what my life looks like and I give it five out of five stars.

I am grateful to all of my friends and family who have been there with smiles, words of support, shoulders to cry on and positive energy to share.  I am grateful for all the pain and love I have experienced for it has made me who I am today.

And now for some more miracles...I can't wait! :)

What does it all mean?

My anxiety is back.  I can tell for I have been spending my nights reading and not sleeping.  This is a sure sign that something is up in the subconscious mind that hasn't quite drifted up to the conscious mind.  I was up until 3am again last night.  I haven't done this since the days of divorce looming.  In fact, I was actually on a routine sleep schedule.  So dear insomnia, what does this mean?

Well it could be a couple of things.  I am returning to work soon after having the summer off, and have completely lost my passion for my job.  I have zero desire to return to teaching.  So I hope that these anxious, unsettling feelings have to do with new manifestations that will arrive soon in my life.  I am also starting Grad school.  I haven't been in school for ten years.  Returning to papers and power point presentations is not something I am looking forward to, but the learning is.  Or it could be that I will have been divorced for a year on September 20th.  But I have had an amazing year, so is that really it?

I saw Eat, Pray, Love on Friday.  I had read the book probably a year before the demise of my own marriage, and even though at the time I wasn't aware that I would be on that same path just a short few years later, the book still resonated with me.  I feel that I have been on my own journey of self-realization and I am definitely attracting like-minded individuals into my life with the same principles and outlook on life.  I continue to follow the path of transformation, but today reached a point of frustration as another person with the same ideology showed up in my life.

So now I ask God, what does this mean.  Yes the people keep showing up.  Yes I was off track for a bit, but this weekend has put me back full force to the point of what does it all mean.  Where is this leading me, because obviously it is leading me somewhere.  I ask the Universe for the strength and patience to detach from the outcome and embrace what arrives, when it arrives.  I know it is happening soon.  A shift is coming, change is arriving. I am ready for it.  I. Am.

A year ago today...

Lately I have been feeling anxious.  There are a lot of things that I have been attributing to these feelings.  There is the ever present insecurity as I try and figure out where I want my life to go and where I am in my continuing transformation, which I have been ignoring lately, perhaps contributing to my feeling out of balance.  My heart is no longer in my teaching, and the thought of going back to work in a few weeks has become almost suffocating at times.  I am going to Grad school and I have mixed feelings about that.  My heart is definitely with helping people and a career as a therapist is intriguing, but I am still not sure.  The only place I feel completely content these days is in a soccer stadium watching a game.  My love for soccer has been reignited with this years World Cup.  Most people who have only known me since I have been married think that this is a new hobby, but it's not.  It is one of the many things I put on the backburner of life during my marriage.  Soccer is in my blood.  While I never played as a kid, my brother did and I grew up on the sidelines of the soccer field.  My father coached my brother from a very young age and much of my youth was spent in support of our family passion.  My whole family attended the Real Madrid vs. LA Galaxy friendly at the Rose Bowl this past weekend and it was great revisiting my youth.  I remember going to a Galaxy game with my brother and niece for the 4th of July two years ago and telling him that my next partner would have to love the sport like we do.  That is an opinion I haven't changed.  I had forgotten how much I love the game.

So what does this have to do with my anxiety?  I figured it out watching the Mexico vs. Spain game on television about a half hour ago.  I am alone in my parents home. They are on their way home from Las Vegas. I spent the night here last night since a fedex package was arriving for me today and I needed to sign for it.  I was anxious staying in my parents house by myself.  I've always been a bit of a wimp about that. The house is quite large, and I had five bedrooms to choose from. I choose my parents room since it has a tv.  When I woke up, I got ready in their bathroom and smiled to myself at how much my parents have accomplished in their life.  We lived in a small two bedroom house when I was young.  Now the size of their bathroom is probably equal to their bedroom in that house.  I go downstairs and straighten up, wash some dishes.  My fedex package arrives and there really isn't a reason for me to stay.  But I tell myself I won't make it home in time to watch the game.  I turn on the television for the pregame talk and find myself feeling very connected to my heritage and culture.  During the game, I see the pitch darken and lighten as the clouds cover the sun.  I can almost feel the temperature change.  The sun in Mexico City feels stronger than it does here, probably to do with the altitude.  Mexico scores and I feel proud.  It is the bicentennial of Mexico's independence from Spain next month, and this friendly is being viewed as the revolution 2010.  The commentators speak about the Spain team taking the World Cup trophy to the Virgin of Guadalupe.  I feel tears in my eyes as I realize that I was there a year ago, lighting a candle for my grandmother.  This is why I can't bring myself to leave my parents home.  I need to see my dad.

My grandmother passed away a year ago today. She was 94.

My dad and I made the trip together.  The call came in about eight that Tuesday morning.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My mom was on the phone then my dad, both distraught.  I told them I would take care of it.  I called Susie to ask her to help me find flights while I called both my jobs to make arrangements for my absence.  I threw things in a suitcase, called Brenda to tell her and ask her to watch my animals.  I was out the door to get my dad.  We rushed to LAX and barely made our flight to Mexico City.

This was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I had never seen my father this way and it broke my heart.  I knew my mom was sick with worry since she couldn't be with him.  My brother upset that he couldn't be with us.  I had to be strong for all of them, and so I was.

A month ago my Aunt Teresa , my dad's youngest sister came to visit with her family.  She was the one who cared for my grandmother.  As she and my dad regaled us with stories of their childhood (an easy one it was not), I was reminded how much I admire him and what he has done in his life.  He came to a strange country not speaking the language and made a life for himself and his family, a good life, with my mom by his side.  I know it wasn't easy being the only member of his family living here, and he missed my grandmother immensely.  I will never know the sacrifice that he has made, I only hope that through his life he looks back and is happy with his choices.  I am grateful for all my family is and the love that we share.  A few days after the funeral, the whole family got together at my cousin's house for a barbecue.  I know that my grandma was smiling.

My abuelita was my last surviving grandmother and while I did not have the privilege of spending a lot of time together with her, that which we did was special.  We always had a special bond and I know that she is around me all the time.  She is reminding me today where I need to be.  As I watch the end of the game.  Mexico is still winning.  Today and always, my heart is in Mexico and with the family I adore and love so so much.

Querida Abuelita Petrita,

Hoy celebro una vida incomparable.  La luz de una familia que la adoraba.  La luz que sigue brillando in los corazones de sus queridos.  Te quiero abue.  Hoy y para siempre.

Tu nieta que te extrana,
Darlene

Time for tea?

So I haven't written about my travels post separation/impending divorce in awhile.  It is my belief that I haven't  written about this one because it was a dream vacation and a disappointment at the same time.  When you are so focused on your past and your troubles, the what could have been and you are not living in the present moment, you run the risk of missing your life right now.  That is what happened to me in England.  So today I right about you three lions, as the English National team goes home from the World Cup. USA left yesterday :(  I feel their pain and it reminded me of mine.  A dream realized, but not lived.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I love all things British.  The Scots, the English, the Welsh.  I don't discriminate.  I love their accents, the cute boys :), pubs, English football, The Royal Family (Queenie!), Harry Potter.  Love, love, love it all.  When we traveled to Paris, we did spend a day in London because at the time, I didn't know when or if I would ever cross the Pond again.  London was a bucket list item. Check, check!

So super friend Susie and I started researching a trip to Europe and before we knew it, Edinburgh was also on our list.  Then we talked to super friend Brenda and she and husband Steve were in on the London part.  And how could I go without super travel friend Elena? We were set.  Susie and I would start off in Edinburgh for the weekend and then we would travel by train through the English countryside (Swoon!) and meet the rest of our companions in London for the week.  I was going back to Europe six months after Paris.  How did that even happen?

We land in Edinburgh, Scotland and I was instantly in love.  The Scottish people are so warm and friendly.  We had perfect weather.  We walked the Royal Mile to Edinburgh Castle, went up to the Scottish Highlands in search of the Loch Ness monster (I think Nessie found Susie! Winding bus ride?).  I saw a Hammish in person, and the highlight: Seeing the coffee shop where J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter. (Insert nerd comments here).  Scotland won my heart more than I thought was ever possible. More than London (gasp!).  Yes I do think so.  It's the great outdoors! (That's for you Susie!), but off we go.

Next stop London.  Our train ride was magical.  I felt like I was going to Hogwarts! (Harry Potter references not done yet).  We arrive into Kings Cross station (I refrained from taking a picture of platform 9and 3/4, mainly because I didn't want to walk over with all my luggage.)  The rest of our friends arrived and the lovely memories started.  We packed in so much in that week, I look exhausted in my pictures.  The sign of a good vacation I guess.  We traveled to Stonehenge, Bath and Salisbury Castle.  We witnessed the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, relished the gardens at Kensington Palace.  I was in awe at the beauty and history of Westminster Abbey and the Tower of London, and treated to a spectacular view of London from the London Eye.  Abbey Road was a dream come true.  Leicester Square. Piccadilly Circus.  Trafalgar Square. Notting Hill.  So many dreams fulfilled while surrounded by my best friends.  Yet I was not happy, and I take full responsibility.

I was still connected.  I was in my head the entire time in London.  I was home in a marriage that didn't exist anymore.  This unfortunately had to be my lesson in living in the present moment.  I impeded my own enjoyment of my dream because I was so stuck that I didn't make this trip with my husband.  That it should have been him.  I was with my best friends of more than fifteen years and it wasn't enough.  I was wrong though.  It was more than enough.  It was everything.  I look at my photos now that decorate my room, and I can see it in my face in almost every photo.  I was not present.  I was sad.  I was mourning.  I was surrounded by so much love and I took it for granted.  For that I apologize to the people who love me the most.  Perhaps they didn't even realize what had happened in London, but I know.

I celebrated my 36th birthday the day we came home.  My divorce would be final in September.  My husband officially moved out for good in June.  It has been a year since all of this happened and I know if I took that London trip today, every place I visited would probably be as if I was seeing it for the first time. Again.  I would be present.  There is no other time.  The past is over, the future is never guaranteed.  The only time there is is now.  I have learned to make the most of the now moment.  It is all I have.  It is all that exists.  My love exists now.  For my friends, for the time of my life that lives now in my memory that I can look at not with regret, but with awe in what I have experienced.  That is my feeling. Now.

  I just love this picture! I think it sums it all up pretty well.  Until next time...

Love to all,
D

Making Requests

I was privileged to experience one of the most amazing weekends I have had in a long time. One that will forever be filed in my memory as a time when I really got to know some aspects of myself that I had been asleep to for awhile. I was in the presence of an extremely loving community who was willing to open their hearts, minds and welcome new friends and embrace old ones. It was truly a gift and I am grateful for the opportunity.

I enjoy observing people and their interactions with others. It is one of my favorite things to do. I could sit in an airport for hours and do this. People are magnificent. If they could only see what I see. I get the opportunity to do this more often these days, as I often go to functions that interest me, alone. I'm not shy and I will talk to anyone, but I like being an observer best.

So my weekend began on Friday. I had signed up months ago for the workshop which was scheduled for Saturday and Sunday. A movie screening of a documentary film that I had been wanting to see came up for Friday, and I wanted to go. My super friend Kathy and I had spent the day at the spa and grabbed a quick dinner. We had planned to see a movie together, but when this came up, she understood the importance for me and sent me off to Venice with her blessing and for that I am grateful. The film "May I Be Frank" follows the transformation of a man in food, thoughts and love. It was very powerful and a perfect start to the weekend. Now I am certainly pumped for what else the fine folks at Cafe Gratitude in San Francisco, have in store for us in L.A. this weekend. I leave the screening feeling excited for more!

The next morning Brenda and I set out on this adventure together. We were amazed by the love and openness of all the people in this community. The energy was magical. We learned some tools that we continue practicing today. I am grateful that she chose to come along on this journey with me and check it out with an open mind, and that I can look to her for support with my continuing transformation. I love you for it Bren! I also can't wait to share what I am learning with all my other super friends, especially Erika, Susie and Kathy! I am overwhelmed with passion and love!

On Sunday, I am venturing back to Venice alone, and I am so distracted all the way there. What am I expecting that is different? Without Brenda, I am feeling scared and unsure. Even though we didn't partner up together on Saturday, I guess I still felt like she was my security blanket. There were some intense emotions being shared, and I was afraid of what would be showing up today. I have also not mentioned that a huge source of my daily inspiration has been present all weekend. It is because of his introduction to this community that I am here. This is also making me nervous. What if he sits next to me? What if we have to partner? What will he think about me? I make up all sorts of stories. I am not focused. I won't be getting what I want out of this workshop. Thankfully we start the day with a clearing to remove distractions, and it works for me! I got present to why I was there. Awesome!

As the day goes on, we are presented with more tools, and one particularly struck a chord with me. It was about making requests. Making requests? Did I even know what that meant? It is not often that I make requests of people. And as the talk continued, I realized that it was something that I rarely did in my marriage. Why not? I knew exactly why. If I make a request, then the other person might say no. So what? So they say no? What is the big deal right? The realization came to be that when I hear no, it is so much more than a two letter, one syllable word. We were given an assignment as we broke for lunch. We were going to practice making requests, so we were to think of a request to make of someone. Now I was unclear if we were going to have to do this upon returning from lunch. So I proceeded to walk to the Venice boardwalk to get some lunch. I find a place to get a garden burger, and I sit down to eat my lunch and think about making requests. What could I ask of who? The source of my inspiration comes to mind, but what could I request of him? So then I think how I ask my students if you could spend ten minutes with someone who inspires you, who would that be, what would you say and how would you feel? Well I have been around him all weekend. Why not ask? And then it happened. My throat started to swell up, tears filled my eyes, and my mind had taken over. "Are you crazy? Who are you? He will look at you and think you are ugly, fat, stupid! Why would he want to spend one second talking to you!" I am now crying in my garden burger. I can't eat anymore. I walk out and call Brenda sobbing at the realization that had occurred. I don't make requests because if the answer was to be no, that is what I hear. The internal dialogue that had just gone through my head. I made up that he would think all these things about me, when I knew realistically that he wouldn't and would more than likely grant my requests. I spent nine years in a marriage doing this. Nine years not even wanting to request a place to go to dinner. I always let him chose. Because if we went somewhere I suggested and it wasn't a good experience for him then it would be my fault! Wow! Powerful! So I asked Brenda if she thought I should. After some debate, she said yes, I should! So I go back to the workshop, and we were moving on to something else. Now my makeup has all washed off my face! And for what?

The workshop wraps up and people start filing out. My weekend of transformation has ended. I exchange hugs and emails with new friends and gather my bag. My inspiration has people approaching him, so I debate, should I ask him anyway? It was my most powerful breakthrough all weekend. Shouldn't I practice? I argue with myself for another ten minutes, and I decide to make the request. Would he listen to my story for a few minutes? The worst he can say is no. And if he does, I am not all the negative things that I make up about myself. It is only no.

I make the request, He says yes and focuses himself completely with those disarming, huge green eyes of his looking straight into mine. Ready, waiting, listening. I am still a girl standing in front of a boy that really does it for her, so I quickly re-focus. I explain to him how he showed up for me over the past year. Over and over during a year that saw the most difficult things I've ever had to face. I share what he has meant to me and that it was my belief that it was all to arrive at this weekend. I acknowledged him for being so open with his life and his community. By this time we were holding hands tightly and I have no idea when that happened. Then we hugged in a tighter embrace than I ever would have expected from him. I made him up as extraordinary and I still make him up that way. All weekend he was just another person on the journey like the rest of us. A transformation that is as important to him as it is to me. We shared some other words. And there it was: Request made and granted and I felt so empowered! I am now aware that I shouldn't be afraid to make requests of those that I love. Be it a stranger or my partner. We are all on this journey of life together. No is okay. But I bet there will be a lot more yeses in life. I know that I can be one of them!

I am grateful for all the Kindred Spirits who have showed up for me and all those that will. Be Kind. Be Love.

Love Abounding Darlene

Festering Wound

My wound has been festering for days now. Which wound you ask? Why my I feel lonely, sad and unloveable wound. What a difference from two weekends ago? I was so blissful then that I wish I could have bottled my euphoria for a week like this. Mercury is not in retrograde anymore, so wtf?

So as I sit in my cozy condo, I start to think of all the things I am grateful for. I make up that my evening will be super rad! What more could I want? I have my own beautiful space with my fragrant roses in the garden along with my blooming jasmine plant, my absolute favorite scent in the world (besides a man who smells of garlic and boy), blowing in with the breeze through the open front door. I have my ipod playing on my surround sound taking me on my musical journey through phases of my loves. I join in singing now and then, hoping the neighbors don't mind. Super dog is sleeping quietly on the love seat, and my love manifestation in feline form comes by now and then to check in and cuddle and shower me with sandpaper kisses and a cold nose. The perfect evening. I am texting my fantastic friend Brenda, who has helped remind me of how fabulous, beautiful and so worth loving that I really am because that is what she makes up about me. And I agree with her 100 percent! I only forgot for a bit. My wound is scabbing already. It is practically healed. What was the problem again? I don't think I remember. What I have now in this moment is all that exists for me. I choose to be present in my life now. I am not my wound. I am what I create myself to be. I choose gratitude. I choose love. It is all there is. And so it is. Gotta go now. The cold nose is back. He gets it and now, so do I.

Darlene

Welcome 37!

It was my birthday on Monday. I am not a person that puts a particular significance on age or birthdays. This year has been a little different though.

As I continue to deal with the unpredictability of post traumatic divorce disorder (at least that is what I am referring to it as), I don't know what to expect when I arrive at different moments in life now.

The week has not been good. I turned 37 this year. I certainly don't feel 37. Most days, I feel that I have the mentality of a fifteen year old. I've been told that I don't look my age. So what is the problem then?

Being divorced is a learned skill. Not the class I had planned on taking, but I embrace it all the same. The act of being divorced has brought me to where I am now. And most days it is a good place to be. Not today. I have come to a realization that I am not happy about. I realized that I have not let go of my marriage or my ex-husband completely.

He didn't remember my birthday and this devastated me. How could he not remember? We were a part of each others lives for thirteen years. How could he not remember???

I realize that this is completely illogical on my part. He has a new life, new relationship, why should he call his ex-wife on her birthday? Exactly. He shouldn't. I make up that we are still friends though and so does he. Don't friends wish each other happy birthday? I know now that I cannot be his friend at this time.

I know that I am in a better place now. I don't want to reconcile with him. I don't harbor any ill feelings toward him, but I don't want to let him go either. This is a big statement for me. It's not that I can't do it. I can do anything I choose to do. At least I make up that I can. Perhaps letting go of him means that I see myself as really alone. Is that such a bad thing? I have freedom. My life can go anywhere I choose it to go. That thought in itself is very liberating, and I am embracing those possibilities. I still can't help thinking that this isn't where I had visualized being at this point in my life, but, I am getting present to the fact that this may not be where I expected to be, but that I am where I need to be. This ending is only a new beginning for whatever better and more awesome love that I know is going to show up for me.

So I choose to change my outlook. For this, my 37th year, I embrace the possibilities that lie ahead for me: in transformation, in love, in education, in activism. These will be my focus. I will live in the present. I will love myself. I will accept that I deserve love. I will continue my journey with positivity and from a place of love. I will follow my heart. Welcome 37! I fill my lungs with air, blow out all the candles, knowing that my light will shine brighter than ever!


This is the greatest gift I can give myself. Happy Birthday!

NYC

Next stop travel to: The Empire State. NYC. What more is there to say? Blog done.

But seriously. New York City was almost a surreal experience. We jammed more into one weekend than should have been humanely possible. Sometimes I try to recollect the weekend, and I'm stumped. Was I there?

I absolutely was. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of!

So, I came back from Paris and super friend Susie was planning a trip to New York, did I want to go? Uh...yes! The best part is that we were going to do this super cheap! Airfare was a steal and we rented an apartment in Manhattan. Not only was I going to New York, but no fancy hotels for us! We were living amongst the heart of the city; the people!

Elena (super travel friend, you've met her before!) and I took a red eye the first weekend in December, and arrived into JFK at 6am and we didn't stop until we boarded our flight back to Cali on Sunday night. Amazing!

First stop was Serendipity for some frozen hot chocolate. Yum!


The rest of the day was a blur. I know we took photos outside Holly Golightly's apartment (Breakfast at Tiffany's, one of my all time fav movies). We walked and walked. I think we went to the Empire State Building that night. I was on a quest to pay hommage to every romantic comedy ever filmed in the city. So of course I took my Sleepless in Seattle photo.

Next day, we toured Central Park, which has quickly become one of my favorite places on the planet. It wouldn't have been complete without a hot dog and a stroll through the Park. I now have a special love for the flea invested, probably rabid rodent squirrels that inhabit the park. They are so cute! We ate a fabulous dinner in a pub in Greenwich, and it began to snow! For these California girls, it was a sight to see. There was a wine night here in our cool little fourth floor apartment. A lot of laughter, friendship, love...so much fun.


Our last day, we took a boat in the freezing weather to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. What a powerful experience! It was the perfect day despite the cold. I loved New York. Every minute of it. I love big cities. I can feel so connected and yet so invisible at once. We talked about this being an annual event. I could get behind that. I hadn't felt so free and genuinely happy in quite some time. I saw my life in a different light and the possibilities that were there waiting for me to start living.



When I returned home, I started divorce proceedings. I would officially file in March 2009. It was time. The world was enticing me with what could be. It was possible that I could start living life for me.


What a novel idea!

Smile on my face

You put a smile on my face. Your words and thoughts speak to me in ways I can only feel and not express accurately. You make my heart sing and overflow with love. I relish the feeling, and I can't stop smiling. Feeling good. I am grateful for you, my brother, my lover, my soul. Thank you for loving me. I love you back!

Spring...

My favorite day of the year has arrived! I have been celebrating the first day of spring for many, many years now. I am a Spring baby, perhaps that is why I love the day so much! It also symbolizes other things to me. It is the season that I am most aware of out Mother Earth. The green in the hills, the vibrant colors of spring flowers, beautiful sky blue skies and gentle breezes, make me feel as if the Earth is cleansing itself from the harshness of winter. It is a time of re-birth and I embrace this idea fully in my life as well. I gain tremendous joy in the beauty of the days, and am grateful for what our Mother has to offer. It is during this time that I feel the most restless, but also the most inspired. So I am off to celebrate and welcome the season! Happy first day of Spring! May your gardens grow, your tulips bloom and your caterpillars become butterflies! Embrace life and Be Love.




In Joy,
D

Spirit in the Sky

Every person that we encounter has the ability to touch our heart and spirit. Whether it be through a smile, a kind word or a lengthy story, our greatest teachers are those who surround us. I am an eager student ready to learn whatever life presents me.

That was my perception of Dr. Bill.

Dr.Bill was what most of us called him. When I first met him, I addressed him as Dr. Nelson. He immediately corrected me. "Bill," he said humbly. That was my first encounter with his humility, definitely not my last.

He loved his students. He loved teachers. He loved flying. He loved skiing. He loved life.

When I first began at ROP, I had the privilege of having my desk in what was known as "Dr. Bill's trailer". And that is exactly what it was: A trailer situated apart from the main building, in a dirt lot with a huge tree providing shade for our tin can. I was happy to have my desk in the trailer. Our "trailer trash" crew consisted of Emelia, Camina, Sue, Tim, me and of course Dr. Bill! On warm spring afternoons, we would open the doors and windows, letting the breeze sweep through. We would celebrate Yabba Dabba Doo Fridays as Tim's radio tuned to KRTH counted it down for us. Our work environment was stellar. We all loved Dr. Bill and his trailer.

I was not yet a teacher then, but I saw many walk through the door to talk to Bill, and what I saw was respect in their eyes and kind words spoken from their mouths. When he spoke to his teachers about the programs and especially, the students, his whole body lit up with the passion he felt. It was contagious.

We eventually moved to a nice, proper office, and while we were grateful for the new digs, the six of us mourned our beloved trailer. We would be exchanging sunlight for fluorescent light. Summer breezes for air conditioning. Treks across the parking lot to use the bathroom in the rain for indoor plumbing. And of course our friends separating to their like departments. We would miss our trailer and our camaraderie.

In the new halls of our office, I would often run into Dr. Bill, and as always, he had a smile or a joke to offer. Our exchanges would often go like this:

"Stay out of trouble," he would smile and wink.
"But trouble finds me Dr. Bill," and I would gesture at him.

He knew I was a huge Beatles fan, so he would often see me at a distance and say "Wait, I think there goes Paul McCartney!" To which I would pretend to hurry in that direction or I would say, "Watch my stuff. I'll be right back."

I am going to miss those exchanges, his good humor and his infectious grin.

I am not unique. Everyone he touched in his life has stories like these. Aren't we all so lucky?

Though he has left our physical world, his spirit will continue to live in all of us. He is skiing on the slopes of heaven and flying his airplane through the rainbows of our dreams. I am grateful that his spirit will always be there to fly with mine.

I know that Paul McCartney will always be roaming around the halls of ROP, so in the meantime, Dr. Bill: Will you say hi to John and George for me?

In Spirit, In Joy,
Darlene

Spirit

It seems that I am looking for lessons everywhere I turn these days. I am hyper aware of the people I come in contact with, the surroundings I am in and of course the meaning behind the experiences. I know it can be annoying, so I apologize to my friends. Sorry.

So when I attended a concert on February 27th in Long Beach, I knew I would be doing this again, and I certainly wasn't disappointed.

The night was a success before I even experienced it. I made up that it would be.

And how could I be disappointed? I was taking my niece to her first grown up concert to see her favorite singer Jason Mraz. She had written an essay in school that had moved me into action. When asked who she would like to meet if she could meet anyone, she chose aforementioned musician. A rather grown up choice, since her peers were writing about Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. She had watched a live chat that Jason had done in November and surprised me by how much she retained from that interview. From the name of his cat to his love for surfing and hula hooping. She also wrote of how he inspired her. Now I gain a lot of inspiration from Jason as well, but I don't recall ever saying that to her. Needless to say I was moved, so I arranged for a meet and greet with him and front row seats to the concert.

Music is an integral part of my life, and that of my family. My nine year old niece also knows the words to most Beatles songs and that the famous quartet consists of John, Paul, George and Ringo. I wanted to make sure that this experience did not become an expectation for her. I wanted her to know that this was more than just a concert. It was to raise funds and awareness for spinal cord injuries through the Life Rolls On foundation founded by Jesse Billauer. I have been a supporter of the Surfrider Foundation for many years at which I had seen Jesse at some events, so I also became a supporter of Life Rolls On. My brother and I explained to her about the foundation and about Jesse's injury, and how he overcame the obstacles to surf again. We explained that he was a quadrapelegic and is in a wheelchair to which she responds "like Stephen Hawking" (??????). Precocious yes, with a heart of gold.

I would like to acknowledge Jason Mraz for how amazing he was with her. She had made him a card as well as giving him a copy of her essay, and he seemed genuinely grateful for the gifts. Her favorite part was the "big bear hug" he gave her. Also my gratitude goes to him as well. I don't have any children, and I have resigned myself to the fact that motherhood may not be in the cards for me, and that is okay. I have my niece, whose own mother is absent in her life, so we serve a purpose for each other :). But watching her with Jason, the moment was all about her, and after we parted, I couldn't hold back the tears. For the first time, I felt what it was like to be a mom. Tears still fall down my cheeks when I think about it. Magical.

I would also like to acknowledge Jesse Billauer and Life Rolls On. In between sets from the performers, video was shown about Jesse and the foundation where I was moved to tears again. (I am an emotional person). While I knew the story, seeing him there and listening to him tell his story was so powerful and such a testament to what the human spirit is capable of. And we all have this in us. We can spread spirit every day. A kind word, a smile. an I love you. It doesn't always have to be monetary. The human spirit is resilient and has so much to give. We only have to allow it to give. As we were watching the videos, my niece leans over and asks me if we can volunteer. My heart soars. Our children have that spirit in them, so pure and untouched by cynicism. If we provide the tools and teach them, without imposing our own ideas onto them, but rather allowing them to arrive at their own decisions... What an awesome accomplishment! I left once again feeling a grand inspiration!




In Spirit, In Joy,
Darlene

From Paris with Love

It's been awhile since I have written about my travels during my initial year of self discovery. I have been avoiding writing this particular experience, but it is time to let it go. Some back story first.

I never dreamed of going to Paris. I was leery because of all the things that I had heard about the way the French feel about Americans. I don't speak French (although I am hoping to change that with my Rosetta Stone. Thank you Ellen DeGeneres!), so I was afraid of communicating. I had never been to Europe. So many fear factors to consider. So when my then friend started talking about going, I thought that's all it was; Talk. But then I got a phone call from him saying he had found an amazing deal and did I want to go, because he was going. Really, Could I? At this time, I was still married, but separated, not quite ready to let go of my marriage, but not in it either. Limbo status. He asked me to propose the question to our friend Elena (we will go on to travel much more). She said yes. I said yes. We are going to Paris!

We stayed at a great hotel near the Arc de Triomphe. We went to Versailles, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre, a dinner cruise on the river Seine, a day trip on the Eurostar to London, Disneyland Paris. Amazing. I fell in love with Paris and can't wait to go back. It is the city of lights and love, and my dream is to go their with a new love and picnic with the Eiffel tower as our background, but I digress. Back to reality.


I came to some realizations on this trip. Elena and I travel very well together. I was no longer afraid to try new things. If you approach people with kindness and courtesy, nine times out of ten, they will help you. That is what it means to be compassionate to other humans and the French people were just that. I like to drink wine from the Bordeaux region of France. I felt cool smoking on the Champs Elysees (even though I don't smoke), and I am capable of not being part of a partnership, even though at the time I was still in denial that the marriage had died. It was my first big step in breaking away. There was another realization that started in Paris and ended some weeks later.

While I will not talk about specifics, I had a huge fallout with the third person on our trip. Let me say now I will always be grateful for the lessons that he taught me. I rarely have confrontations with people, but we got into a huge difference of opinion that ended our friendship, and showed me that I am capable of holding onto anger. For awhile. Even today, when we talk about him, I can feel my blood pressure rise slightly or I feel myself becoming defensive. He did teach me many things though and I believe that was his purpose. First and foremost, he gave me Paris. Without his persistence, I wouldn't have made the trip and the subsequent trips I have enjoyed. Secondly, he showed me what I don't want in a relationship. Ever. Again. And lastly he taught me how attached to my ego I was, and how when my character, the very core of my being was attacked, I had the capacity to come out swinging. Not something I'm proud of, but something I acknowledge. I know that this is vague, but I don't feel comfortable giving anymore details. So in writing this today, I officially acknowledge him for what he did for me, and I let go of any residual anger I have. I am blessed for the experience, the lessons and the preparation for the greater shift that was to come.



Mon Amie Paris

If I fell...

I did fall.

People who have known me for awhile will understand that this in itself is not shocking or surprising. I am not the picture of grace. Sometimes, I am downright clumsy. In fact, I had recently commented to several people that I was probably due for a good and proper fall, seeing as I hadn't experienced one in awhile.

And so I fell.

I wasn't hurt. In fact as falls go, it was a good clean one. No blood, no rips, no broken bones. A simple, no frills fall.

So what is the big deal then? Other than a bit of soreness in my left arm and wrist, it is like it never happened. Soon that will go away, and then what evidence remains?

I was in Malibu, at Zuma beach with one of my super friends. We had a spectacular day in conversation, delicious food and overall good friendship. As we often do when we go to Malibu, we chose to end our day sitting on the beach, watching the waves at sunset and the tourists actually in the water, while we sit bundled in our winter coats and scarves in the 55 degree weather. We made up our own seagull reality show stories as they flew around the beach. One pair of them were in a serious lover's quarrel. Night fell, and while I never feel unsafe on this beach, the cold began to get the better of us. So we packed up our blanket and walked back to the car. There was very little light this evening. Only those from the restaurant down the road and from the dimly lit public restrooms on the beach. The moon was a crescent and was barely showing through the storm clouds that were beginning to dribble a slight drizzle. I took a step upward from the sand up to the pavement of the street where the car was parked on the street shoulder. As I did, I felt the tip of my shoe hit the edge of the pavement. I had stepped to low, miscalculating. My body had already committed to going forward. There was nothing to be done now. I was going to fall. My other foot, still on the sand wasn't stable enough to pull back my committed body, so my mind quickly went over my options. I stretched my hands out in front of me feeling them slide against the sand and gravel. Then I felt my knees slide against the pavement, my jeans feeling thinner as I slid. Great. Probably a hole in my favorite jeans! As I came to a stop, I was overcome with the urge to laugh! And so I did. I rolled onto my back and laughed and laughed. My super friend was near me of course asking if I was okay. I guess my head had come very close to the back bumper of my car, and she thought I had hit my head. All I could do was laugh.

I haven't felt this present in a moment for a long time.

I always try to live in the present moment. It is an ongoing challenge, to reel the mind away from its' constant array of thoughts in the past and future. But something I consciously try every day. Because, what really exists other than the present moment. And even then, would it exist at all without me experiencing it?

I was overwhelmed in that moment, how clearly I witnessed my mind and body work together in a split second to keep me safe. It was as if I was almost outside of myself, watching it happen. Then my spirit got involved by laughing at my luck. I didn't even scrape my hands and my jeans survived, completely intact.

What would life be like if we could all surrender and trust our minds, bodies and spirits working together to keep us safe? To guide us in our choices while we are fully present in the moment.

I hope I fall some more.

Believe

Either I am a stupidly naive girl or a cheesy, hopeless romantic. Either way, I am okay with it because it is what makes me, me.

I have been to see yet another romantic comedy where boy meets girl, they develop a love/hate relationship, fall madly in love in some spectacular setting and then express what we, the audience knew all along: That they would spend the rest of their lives in perfect, compatible, love-filled bliss!

That is what I want.

I am a dreamer, an eternal optimist even in the face of the most dire circumstances, I still want to believe. I want to believe that that kind of love is possible. Someone has it out there, don't they???

So today, it is my intent to open my heart and mind to the acceptance of romantic comedy love. In all its' cheesiness, odd circumstances, irrational situations...I make up that it can happen. And why not to me and my i'mperfect self. I am imperfect because I am human and I'm perfect because there is perfection in being myself; the only thing I can be.

I challenge you today to open your minds and your hearts to the cheesy, ridiculous dreams in your mind. May they have a base of love. May you leave the cinematic feature that is your life feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I know I do.

I love love. And I love you!

Love, Love, Love...

Love the one you're with...
Love will keep us together...
Love is a many splendored thing...
I will always love you...
Love, soft as an easy chair
Where is the Love?...
Tell me, the meaning of love...
Some say love, it is a river...
amor, amor, amor
Love is in the air...
It's Friday, I'm in love
What's so funny bout peace, love and understanding...
Look into your heart and you will find love, love, love...
I had a vision of love...
What would love do now?...
All you need is love...

Love would love to love you now!

Ah the song lyrics in my head. Love them!

Lights in the Desert

As my journey continued, I found myself in a state of not knowing who I was any more. So what does one do when the very core of your being has been rocked unstable? You go to Vegas of course!

I am blessed and ever so grateful for the people I am privileged to call friends. During the summer of 2008, I was a lucky girl and got to take two great road trips with two of these super friends through the hot California desert. These trips were key points in the recovery of myself. The thing about Vegas is that the city does allow you to be free of who you think you are for awhile. But I believe that freedom should come with people you trust. A lot can happen in the city of sin, and I am generally not much of a sinner. Previous to our summer trips, I loathed Vegas. I do not gamble, I don't like extreme heat and I didn't really see the point. Las Vegas gave me what I needed. A chance to let go of everything for a short time, to be someone I wasn't used to being. This caused some worry in people who had known me for a long time, but I assure them now it was for the best.

The most amazing part about it was Steven and Elena, the Blue Team! They may have seen me at some of my lowest points ever. The drunk dialing, the flow of tears (Blame it on the alcohol!). Things that I would normally keep very much under control. And through it all, I don't feel that they judged me, they were there to hold my hair if needed, to offer a steady hand and to give me comfort. I will always be grateful beyond words, and as I recall now memories of the car ride singing "Livin on a Prayer" as loud as we could, I am filled with gratitude once again. Thanks Blue Team! I love you!