A year ago today...

Lately I have been feeling anxious.  There are a lot of things that I have been attributing to these feelings.  There is the ever present insecurity as I try and figure out where I want my life to go and where I am in my continuing transformation, which I have been ignoring lately, perhaps contributing to my feeling out of balance.  My heart is no longer in my teaching, and the thought of going back to work in a few weeks has become almost suffocating at times.  I am going to Grad school and I have mixed feelings about that.  My heart is definitely with helping people and a career as a therapist is intriguing, but I am still not sure.  The only place I feel completely content these days is in a soccer stadium watching a game.  My love for soccer has been reignited with this years World Cup.  Most people who have only known me since I have been married think that this is a new hobby, but it's not.  It is one of the many things I put on the backburner of life during my marriage.  Soccer is in my blood.  While I never played as a kid, my brother did and I grew up on the sidelines of the soccer field.  My father coached my brother from a very young age and much of my youth was spent in support of our family passion.  My whole family attended the Real Madrid vs. LA Galaxy friendly at the Rose Bowl this past weekend and it was great revisiting my youth.  I remember going to a Galaxy game with my brother and niece for the 4th of July two years ago and telling him that my next partner would have to love the sport like we do.  That is an opinion I haven't changed.  I had forgotten how much I love the game.

So what does this have to do with my anxiety?  I figured it out watching the Mexico vs. Spain game on television about a half hour ago.  I am alone in my parents home. They are on their way home from Las Vegas. I spent the night here last night since a fedex package was arriving for me today and I needed to sign for it.  I was anxious staying in my parents house by myself.  I've always been a bit of a wimp about that. The house is quite large, and I had five bedrooms to choose from. I choose my parents room since it has a tv.  When I woke up, I got ready in their bathroom and smiled to myself at how much my parents have accomplished in their life.  We lived in a small two bedroom house when I was young.  Now the size of their bathroom is probably equal to their bedroom in that house.  I go downstairs and straighten up, wash some dishes.  My fedex package arrives and there really isn't a reason for me to stay.  But I tell myself I won't make it home in time to watch the game.  I turn on the television for the pregame talk and find myself feeling very connected to my heritage and culture.  During the game, I see the pitch darken and lighten as the clouds cover the sun.  I can almost feel the temperature change.  The sun in Mexico City feels stronger than it does here, probably to do with the altitude.  Mexico scores and I feel proud.  It is the bicentennial of Mexico's independence from Spain next month, and this friendly is being viewed as the revolution 2010.  The commentators speak about the Spain team taking the World Cup trophy to the Virgin of Guadalupe.  I feel tears in my eyes as I realize that I was there a year ago, lighting a candle for my grandmother.  This is why I can't bring myself to leave my parents home.  I need to see my dad.

My grandmother passed away a year ago today. She was 94.

My dad and I made the trip together.  The call came in about eight that Tuesday morning.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My mom was on the phone then my dad, both distraught.  I told them I would take care of it.  I called Susie to ask her to help me find flights while I called both my jobs to make arrangements for my absence.  I threw things in a suitcase, called Brenda to tell her and ask her to watch my animals.  I was out the door to get my dad.  We rushed to LAX and barely made our flight to Mexico City.

This was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I had never seen my father this way and it broke my heart.  I knew my mom was sick with worry since she couldn't be with him.  My brother upset that he couldn't be with us.  I had to be strong for all of them, and so I was.

A month ago my Aunt Teresa , my dad's youngest sister came to visit with her family.  She was the one who cared for my grandmother.  As she and my dad regaled us with stories of their childhood (an easy one it was not), I was reminded how much I admire him and what he has done in his life.  He came to a strange country not speaking the language and made a life for himself and his family, a good life, with my mom by his side.  I know it wasn't easy being the only member of his family living here, and he missed my grandmother immensely.  I will never know the sacrifice that he has made, I only hope that through his life he looks back and is happy with his choices.  I am grateful for all my family is and the love that we share.  A few days after the funeral, the whole family got together at my cousin's house for a barbecue.  I know that my grandma was smiling.

My abuelita was my last surviving grandmother and while I did not have the privilege of spending a lot of time together with her, that which we did was special.  We always had a special bond and I know that she is around me all the time.  She is reminding me today where I need to be.  As I watch the end of the game.  Mexico is still winning.  Today and always, my heart is in Mexico and with the family I adore and love so so much.

Querida Abuelita Petrita,

Hoy celebro una vida incomparable.  La luz de una familia que la adoraba.  La luz que sigue brillando in los corazones de sus queridos.  Te quiero abue.  Hoy y para siempre.

Tu nieta que te extrana,
Darlene