What I learned about love...

Tomorrow is 11/11/11.  Veteran's Day as we remember and honor the brave souls who sacrificed for our freedoms. For those of a spiritual propensity, the number 11 can represent many things.  An awakening or awareness.  New beginnings.  Our general connectedness to everyone and everything.  All in all, a very spiritual and loving combination of numbers.  Some people may like the novelty of it, scheduling weddings years in advance.  For me, 11/11/11 will always be remembered for it is the day that I will say good-bye to the most amazing teacher I have ever had.  She has taught me what it means to love without expectation.  To be grateful for all that comes my way.  To stop and realize that life can really be that simple.  All we need is love, and that is all she ever asked for.  Squeaky toys and rawhides were a bonus.

Tomorrow I say good-bye to my rock, my love, my best friend: My beloved Duchess

She came into my life 12 years ago, and boy was she was a handful.  The people who were giving her up said they didn't feel right keeping her in a condo, but they gave her away to people that lived in an apartment?  Personally, I think they couldn't handle her.  She was a rowdy, out of control 3 year old Springer Spaniel.  The first night we had her, she walked through our screen door.  All she needed was a little love and understanding.  We gave her that and she gave it back in more ways than I ever could have imagined.

There are so many things I loved about her and so many things that annoyed me; the true signs of a lifelong love :)  She indulged me when I did this to her:

And I accepted that I could never talk on the phone without her "talking" too.  (Anyone who has ever spoken to me on the phone while I was at home knows exactly what I am talking about!)  Her biggest fault was loving me to much.  And I am forever grateful for that.

What I will always be in debt the most for is the nights where she was there for me, when things in my marriage fell apart, during and after the divorce.  She always knew when something was wrong, and would come and gently lay her head on my lap.  Or when I hugged her to me crying, she would gently kiss my tears away.  Even now, as we cuddled last night and I cried tears for her, she still kissed them gently away, telling me it's going to be okay.

My once vivacious dog, is no longer the joyful, eager, playful girl she used to be.  My sexy senior citizen, is now just thin and weak.  Arthritis has affected her step.  Old age her hearing and her eyesight.  I will miss her cuddling closer on cold nights or pulling the covers down so she can get under them.  I will miss her being angry with me for leaving her when I got home after a trip.  I will cry every time I get out of the shower when I don"t see her standing there waiting for me.  I will trip over my own feet thinking it is her still walking right next to me.

Some say when you see the numbers 11:11 that it can be a hello from the non-physical world.  Angels arrive in our lives all the time, watching over us, taking care of us.  When I see 11:11, I know my angel is saying hello and trying to lick Malcolm while he swats at her.

Duchess,

You remind me every day to love without expectations, without conditions, with your whole heart.  I have been blessed to share your life.  You will always be my angel, my beautiful girl.  I love you with all my heart.

I hope they have a lot of rawhides and squeaky toys in heaven.

Love always,
mama

Unconditional Love: Homage to a Cat

I have been blessed over the past fourteen years to have had two of the most amazing roommates a girl could ask for.  One always greeted me at the door when I returned home from a day at work or play.  One ran circles around the coffee table, not bothering to contain the excitement that I was home.  In the mornings, I awoke, the filling in an unconditional love sandwich.  Canine bread on the right, Feline on the left.

Malcolm and Duchess. More than just pets.  They are my family, my confidantes, my comfort, my loves, my heart.  Never have I found in a human being what I have found in the animals in my life.  They don't judge.  They love.  And love and love.  Malcolm and Duchess are the first and only pets that I have had, until recently, since I made the big girl move out of my parent's home.  Tomorrow morning, I will say my final goodbye to my beloved first big girl pet, the best boyfriend I ever had, my loving kitty Malkie.

I had been living with Ali ( my ex-husband) for a year when I decided I wanted a pet.  I was lonely on the nights he went to school, and had always had pets growing up.  His friend Jordan had a fluffy cat to give away, and soon Malcolm found his way into our apartment.  He would sit in the bedroom window with full view of the corridor, and when he saw us coming, would jump down and be waiting at the door.  One night we accidentally left the patio door open and he slipped out.  We spent two hours looking for him, knocking on neighbors doors, until I heard his feeble meow from inside a bush.  Freedom did not suit him.

Years passed and we moved in with Ali's dad for awhile to save money to buy a place of our own.  It was a constant battle to keep him from using Ali's father's expensive, imported chairs as his new and improved scratch post.

My favorite memories of him are when we moved into our condo.  Our home was ours and our cat and dog could do whatever they wanted.  There was no furniture to stay off of, no windows to stay out of so the apartment manager wouldn't charge us for the pet deposit.  Here my ferocious feline (not really, he hides when strangers come over) had full reign on his kingdom.  He could often be found sunning himself on the deck, attacking the dog just because she was breathing, but my favorite thing was when he would sit on the stairs and look down at the living room, surveying his kingdom like Mufasa.  He loved laying with Ali.  When Ali was downstairs, Malcolm would follow him around until he would lie on the couch, patiently waiting until he could lay in the nook of his arm.  Always on the left side.  We always said that Malcolm was half dog.  He would come running when you called him and he was always up for a cuddle.

Five years ago, my kitty was diagnosed with kidney failure.  We had to give him an IV to help cleanse his system.  A few weeks ago, I came home, and my kitty didn't meet me at the door, demanding food like he always did.  Soon he stopped eating properly, his IV"s not doing the job anymore.  Now my Mufasa can barely hold his head up to drink water.  My heart is breaking and my tears are flowing for there is no longer anything I can do except to give him some dignity, say good-bye and hope he understands how much he was loved and how I will continue to celebrate him.  Tonight we will cuddle for the last time and tomorrow he will go to the place where amazing cats go to shed his love elsewhere, to bring light and love because it's what he does so well.

My handsome boy, I love you and am so grateful for the mornings you awoke me with your cold nose or when I could feel you sitting on the pillow next to me staring at me, willing me to wake up.  For the times you made me laugh, your soft kisses on my nose, your gentle paw on my face.  The nook of my arm will always be yours, on the left side, near my heart.

I will miss you...until we can cuddle again.
With eternal love,
mama

1/1/11

I made a wish this morning at 11:11 and I intend to do it again at 11:11 this evening.  So at 11:11 on 1/1/11, I will wish for an intention I have requested for this new year.  I created this blog a year ago, and I must say, going back to read my ramblings has put a huge smile on my face.  I have big plans for 2011, but I bid 2010 a fond farewell with a hug and smooch. 

This past week, I tied up some remaining lose ends in my life and have taken some days for reflection.  That reflection looks mighty good.  I feel a sense of freedom as this new year begins and an inner knowing that this is the year for me.  Everything seems to be lining up perfectly.  Of course it always was.  I just didn't see it all the time.

So what has changed?  Nothing really.  I make-up that I finally get it.  I finally get what I need to do.

Let go and detach from outcome.

What do I mean by that?  Glad you asked :)  I have a series of intentions that I have set for myself this year.  I have journaled them out, closed the book and will let it go.  Of course I will work toward my intentions according to the plan, but I will not become the plan.  I will detach from that outcome.  We have become conditioned in our lives that if something we want or a plan hasn't manifested the way we wanted it to, then feelings of failure or disappointment fill our beings.  What we often don't see is that, it is not that we didn't get what we wanted.  We are provided for now and I would venture to say that anyone reading this blog would not be the worse for wear not having received what they wanted.  Our feelings are not wrapped up in that, but rather in the expectation.  We are disappointed or experience failure because our expectations weren't met.  How many times have you been disappointed by a friend or significant other because they didn't do what you expected them to do?  As I said, what YOU expected them to do.  Sometimes we don't even verbalize that expectation.  We expect them to know.  I don't know how your telepathic powers are working these days, but I have yet to master mind-reading skills. I know that I have definitely been guilty of this in the past, and even now still fall for this trap.  At least now I am aware of it.  I can even laugh at myself sometimes when I see myself in this pattern again.  I would venture to say that most of our upsets with others have to do with our expectations not being met.  Notice that this is all happening inside of you.  And you have 100% control of you.

So this year, I will set my intentions and detach from the outcome.  I will always be provided for and know that even the difficult times are providing for me.  Lessons, awareness or even teachings for others; it is all part of the journey.  My life is happening now, in this present moment.  The past is over, the future exists only in my mind.  Even when I arrive at the future, it becomes the present.  Cool right?  I often tell my niece that life is a series of choices.  Every moment of every day, we are making choices.  What will your choices be?

Dear 2011,

This year I intend to live from my heart, follow my intuit, listen to myself for who would care more about me than me? I get to practice kindness, give compassion, be of service and do this all from a place of love. As I sit in my living room, the fire crackling, two loving dogs napping on the couch, what is more perfect than this moment now.  It is all there is, and it is perfect.  I'm taking each moment as it arrives, so 11:11 on 1/1/11, I patiently wait.  I like dreaming and what are wishes but dreams that we want to manifest into our reality.  Bring on your oceans of possibilities new year.  I am open!

Red Rocks

I love October.  The change of season fills the air.  Orange and yellow hues in the foliage brighten gloomy skies. The slight chill in the air makes me want to light a fire and drink hot chocolate out of a huge mug, getting whipped cream on my nose.  Mostly it is about the change and wow have things been changing!

I have been really busy lately, and it is great.  I went back to school and am loving the learning.  I am back working both my jobs at full throttle, and of course making time for loving friends and family.  Today, I have decided to do much of nothing, but reflect on life.  Neglecting this blog has been a problem.

A day of significance came and passed, but I would be remiss in not acknowledging it.  September and October have always been big for change in my life.  September 20th marked one year since my divorce has been final, and brings me to my last stop on my healing by traveling.  I did not want to be at my home when my divorce was final last year so a mini trip was in order.  Since I am always provided for, the perfect opportunity came about.

Super friend Susie and I had gone to see the Dave Matthews Band and Jason Mraz in Fresno in August of 2009.  We had so much fun that we were looking where we could go next.  Turns out, Jason was playing in Colorado at the Red Rocks Amphitheater.  Well look at that, another bucket list item. Seen a show at Red Rocks?:  Check!  Off we go to Colorado.

I had always wanted to visit Colorado and I wasn't disappointed.  It was absolutely beautiful!  The weather was mild with big, fluffy white clouds everywhere against turquoise blue skies.  The amphitheater was awesome.  Words wouldn't do those majestic Red Rocks justice.  And then there is Jason.  He is a great source of inspiration in spirituality and love.  The whole experience was magical.

The next day, after the concert, Susie left early to visit her boyfriend in Arizona.  I took her to the airport and dropped her off.  My flight didn't leave until later that evening.  I went back to Red Rocks park and wrote a bit and just relished in all the beauty.  So I was officially divorced. The marriage, on paper was over.  How did I feel about that?  I was sad of course, but content.  The nightmare I had been living was done.  I had all sorts of possibilities open for me if I would just be open.  It would take me another year to achieve that.

It would have been our ten year anniversary next Friday.  I am a person who holds on to sentimental attachments, whether in objects or dates.  I came to the realization that I was still blocking myself to my possibilities.  So, I decided to sell my wedding ring and some other jewelry he had given me over the years.  These no longer served me, so might as well not have them in my home.  Letting go of attachments, while difficult, gave me a sense of freedom.  Also, my car started to slowly fall apart.  My ex-husband had helped me buy that car, and while I loved her, it was also time to move on with that, so I bought myself a new car.  Change, change change, just like the leaves and the season.

Jason Mraz played in Santa Barbara this past Friday, so I made the trek up to see him.  He was there for me giving love in his music and sharing his energy a year ago and now again.  As I get present to the music, I smiled thinking about the soulful brown eyes of another amazing soul arriving in my life.  I am open, for real this time, to all possibilities.  I wait patiently for what will arrive next.  This is what my life looks like and I give it five out of five stars.

I am grateful to all of my friends and family who have been there with smiles, words of support, shoulders to cry on and positive energy to share.  I am grateful for all the pain and love I have experienced for it has made me who I am today.

And now for some more miracles...I can't wait! :)

What does it all mean?

My anxiety is back.  I can tell for I have been spending my nights reading and not sleeping.  This is a sure sign that something is up in the subconscious mind that hasn't quite drifted up to the conscious mind.  I was up until 3am again last night.  I haven't done this since the days of divorce looming.  In fact, I was actually on a routine sleep schedule.  So dear insomnia, what does this mean?

Well it could be a couple of things.  I am returning to work soon after having the summer off, and have completely lost my passion for my job.  I have zero desire to return to teaching.  So I hope that these anxious, unsettling feelings have to do with new manifestations that will arrive soon in my life.  I am also starting Grad school.  I haven't been in school for ten years.  Returning to papers and power point presentations is not something I am looking forward to, but the learning is.  Or it could be that I will have been divorced for a year on September 20th.  But I have had an amazing year, so is that really it?

I saw Eat, Pray, Love on Friday.  I had read the book probably a year before the demise of my own marriage, and even though at the time I wasn't aware that I would be on that same path just a short few years later, the book still resonated with me.  I feel that I have been on my own journey of self-realization and I am definitely attracting like-minded individuals into my life with the same principles and outlook on life.  I continue to follow the path of transformation, but today reached a point of frustration as another person with the same ideology showed up in my life.

So now I ask God, what does this mean.  Yes the people keep showing up.  Yes I was off track for a bit, but this weekend has put me back full force to the point of what does it all mean.  Where is this leading me, because obviously it is leading me somewhere.  I ask the Universe for the strength and patience to detach from the outcome and embrace what arrives, when it arrives.  I know it is happening soon.  A shift is coming, change is arriving. I am ready for it.  I. Am.

A year ago today...

Lately I have been feeling anxious.  There are a lot of things that I have been attributing to these feelings.  There is the ever present insecurity as I try and figure out where I want my life to go and where I am in my continuing transformation, which I have been ignoring lately, perhaps contributing to my feeling out of balance.  My heart is no longer in my teaching, and the thought of going back to work in a few weeks has become almost suffocating at times.  I am going to Grad school and I have mixed feelings about that.  My heart is definitely with helping people and a career as a therapist is intriguing, but I am still not sure.  The only place I feel completely content these days is in a soccer stadium watching a game.  My love for soccer has been reignited with this years World Cup.  Most people who have only known me since I have been married think that this is a new hobby, but it's not.  It is one of the many things I put on the backburner of life during my marriage.  Soccer is in my blood.  While I never played as a kid, my brother did and I grew up on the sidelines of the soccer field.  My father coached my brother from a very young age and much of my youth was spent in support of our family passion.  My whole family attended the Real Madrid vs. LA Galaxy friendly at the Rose Bowl this past weekend and it was great revisiting my youth.  I remember going to a Galaxy game with my brother and niece for the 4th of July two years ago and telling him that my next partner would have to love the sport like we do.  That is an opinion I haven't changed.  I had forgotten how much I love the game.

So what does this have to do with my anxiety?  I figured it out watching the Mexico vs. Spain game on television about a half hour ago.  I am alone in my parents home. They are on their way home from Las Vegas. I spent the night here last night since a fedex package was arriving for me today and I needed to sign for it.  I was anxious staying in my parents house by myself.  I've always been a bit of a wimp about that. The house is quite large, and I had five bedrooms to choose from. I choose my parents room since it has a tv.  When I woke up, I got ready in their bathroom and smiled to myself at how much my parents have accomplished in their life.  We lived in a small two bedroom house when I was young.  Now the size of their bathroom is probably equal to their bedroom in that house.  I go downstairs and straighten up, wash some dishes.  My fedex package arrives and there really isn't a reason for me to stay.  But I tell myself I won't make it home in time to watch the game.  I turn on the television for the pregame talk and find myself feeling very connected to my heritage and culture.  During the game, I see the pitch darken and lighten as the clouds cover the sun.  I can almost feel the temperature change.  The sun in Mexico City feels stronger than it does here, probably to do with the altitude.  Mexico scores and I feel proud.  It is the bicentennial of Mexico's independence from Spain next month, and this friendly is being viewed as the revolution 2010.  The commentators speak about the Spain team taking the World Cup trophy to the Virgin of Guadalupe.  I feel tears in my eyes as I realize that I was there a year ago, lighting a candle for my grandmother.  This is why I can't bring myself to leave my parents home.  I need to see my dad.

My grandmother passed away a year ago today. She was 94.

My dad and I made the trip together.  The call came in about eight that Tuesday morning.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My mom was on the phone then my dad, both distraught.  I told them I would take care of it.  I called Susie to ask her to help me find flights while I called both my jobs to make arrangements for my absence.  I threw things in a suitcase, called Brenda to tell her and ask her to watch my animals.  I was out the door to get my dad.  We rushed to LAX and barely made our flight to Mexico City.

This was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I had never seen my father this way and it broke my heart.  I knew my mom was sick with worry since she couldn't be with him.  My brother upset that he couldn't be with us.  I had to be strong for all of them, and so I was.

A month ago my Aunt Teresa , my dad's youngest sister came to visit with her family.  She was the one who cared for my grandmother.  As she and my dad regaled us with stories of their childhood (an easy one it was not), I was reminded how much I admire him and what he has done in his life.  He came to a strange country not speaking the language and made a life for himself and his family, a good life, with my mom by his side.  I know it wasn't easy being the only member of his family living here, and he missed my grandmother immensely.  I will never know the sacrifice that he has made, I only hope that through his life he looks back and is happy with his choices.  I am grateful for all my family is and the love that we share.  A few days after the funeral, the whole family got together at my cousin's house for a barbecue.  I know that my grandma was smiling.

My abuelita was my last surviving grandmother and while I did not have the privilege of spending a lot of time together with her, that which we did was special.  We always had a special bond and I know that she is around me all the time.  She is reminding me today where I need to be.  As I watch the end of the game.  Mexico is still winning.  Today and always, my heart is in Mexico and with the family I adore and love so so much.

Querida Abuelita Petrita,

Hoy celebro una vida incomparable.  La luz de una familia que la adoraba.  La luz que sigue brillando in los corazones de sus queridos.  Te quiero abue.  Hoy y para siempre.

Tu nieta que te extrana,
Darlene

Time for tea?

So I haven't written about my travels post separation/impending divorce in awhile.  It is my belief that I haven't  written about this one because it was a dream vacation and a disappointment at the same time.  When you are so focused on your past and your troubles, the what could have been and you are not living in the present moment, you run the risk of missing your life right now.  That is what happened to me in England.  So today I right about you three lions, as the English National team goes home from the World Cup. USA left yesterday :(  I feel their pain and it reminded me of mine.  A dream realized, but not lived.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I love all things British.  The Scots, the English, the Welsh.  I don't discriminate.  I love their accents, the cute boys :), pubs, English football, The Royal Family (Queenie!), Harry Potter.  Love, love, love it all.  When we traveled to Paris, we did spend a day in London because at the time, I didn't know when or if I would ever cross the Pond again.  London was a bucket list item. Check, check!

So super friend Susie and I started researching a trip to Europe and before we knew it, Edinburgh was also on our list.  Then we talked to super friend Brenda and she and husband Steve were in on the London part.  And how could I go without super travel friend Elena? We were set.  Susie and I would start off in Edinburgh for the weekend and then we would travel by train through the English countryside (Swoon!) and meet the rest of our companions in London for the week.  I was going back to Europe six months after Paris.  How did that even happen?

We land in Edinburgh, Scotland and I was instantly in love.  The Scottish people are so warm and friendly.  We had perfect weather.  We walked the Royal Mile to Edinburgh Castle, went up to the Scottish Highlands in search of the Loch Ness monster (I think Nessie found Susie! Winding bus ride?).  I saw a Hammish in person, and the highlight: Seeing the coffee shop where J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter. (Insert nerd comments here).  Scotland won my heart more than I thought was ever possible. More than London (gasp!).  Yes I do think so.  It's the great outdoors! (That's for you Susie!), but off we go.

Next stop London.  Our train ride was magical.  I felt like I was going to Hogwarts! (Harry Potter references not done yet).  We arrive into Kings Cross station (I refrained from taking a picture of platform 9and 3/4, mainly because I didn't want to walk over with all my luggage.)  The rest of our friends arrived and the lovely memories started.  We packed in so much in that week, I look exhausted in my pictures.  The sign of a good vacation I guess.  We traveled to Stonehenge, Bath and Salisbury Castle.  We witnessed the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, relished the gardens at Kensington Palace.  I was in awe at the beauty and history of Westminster Abbey and the Tower of London, and treated to a spectacular view of London from the London Eye.  Abbey Road was a dream come true.  Leicester Square. Piccadilly Circus.  Trafalgar Square. Notting Hill.  So many dreams fulfilled while surrounded by my best friends.  Yet I was not happy, and I take full responsibility.

I was still connected.  I was in my head the entire time in London.  I was home in a marriage that didn't exist anymore.  This unfortunately had to be my lesson in living in the present moment.  I impeded my own enjoyment of my dream because I was so stuck that I didn't make this trip with my husband.  That it should have been him.  I was with my best friends of more than fifteen years and it wasn't enough.  I was wrong though.  It was more than enough.  It was everything.  I look at my photos now that decorate my room, and I can see it in my face in almost every photo.  I was not present.  I was sad.  I was mourning.  I was surrounded by so much love and I took it for granted.  For that I apologize to the people who love me the most.  Perhaps they didn't even realize what had happened in London, but I know.

I celebrated my 36th birthday the day we came home.  My divorce would be final in September.  My husband officially moved out for good in June.  It has been a year since all of this happened and I know if I took that London trip today, every place I visited would probably be as if I was seeing it for the first time. Again.  I would be present.  There is no other time.  The past is over, the future is never guaranteed.  The only time there is is now.  I have learned to make the most of the now moment.  It is all I have.  It is all that exists.  My love exists now.  For my friends, for the time of my life that lives now in my memory that I can look at not with regret, but with awe in what I have experienced.  That is my feeling. Now.

  I just love this picture! I think it sums it all up pretty well.  Until next time...

Love to all,
D