As I continue to deal with the unpredictability of post traumatic divorce disorder (at least that is what I am referring to it as), I don't know what to expect when I arrive at different moments in life now.
The week has not been good. I turned 37 this year. I certainly don't feel 37. Most days, I feel that I have the mentality of a fifteen year old. I've been told that I don't look my age. So what is the problem then?
Being divorced is a learned skill. Not the class I had planned on taking, but I embrace it all the same. The act of being divorced has brought me to where I am now. And most days it is a good place to be. Not today. I have come to a realization that I am not happy about. I realized that I have not let go of my marriage or my ex-husband completely.
He didn't remember my birthday and this devastated me. How could he not remember? We were a part of each others lives for thirteen years. How could he not remember???
I realize that this is completely illogical on my part. He has a new life, new relationship, why should he call his ex-wife on her birthday? Exactly. He shouldn't. I make up that we are still friends though and so does he. Don't friends wish each other happy birthday? I know now that I cannot be his friend at this time.
I know that I am in a better place now. I don't want to reconcile with him. I don't harbor any ill feelings toward him, but I don't want to let him go either. This is a big statement for me. It's not that I can't do it. I can do anything I choose to do. At least I make up that I can. Perhaps letting go of him means that I see myself as really alone. Is that such a bad thing? I have freedom. My life can go anywhere I choose it to go. That thought in itself is very liberating, and I am embracing those possibilities. I still can't help thinking that this isn't where I had visualized being at this point in my life, but, I am getting present to the fact that this may not be where I expected to be, but that I am where I need to be. This ending is only a new beginning for whatever better and more awesome love that I know is going to show up for me.
So I choose to change my outlook. For this, my 37th year, I embrace the possibilities that lie ahead for me: in transformation, in love, in education, in activism. These will be my focus. I will live in the present. I will love myself. I will accept that I deserve love. I will continue my journey with positivity and from a place of love. I will follow my heart. Welcome 37! I fill my lungs with air, blow out all the candles, knowing that my light will shine brighter than ever!
This is the greatest gift I can give myself. Happy Birthday!
