What I learned about love...

Tomorrow is 11/11/11.  Veteran's Day as we remember and honor the brave souls who sacrificed for our freedoms. For those of a spiritual propensity, the number 11 can represent many things.  An awakening or awareness.  New beginnings.  Our general connectedness to everyone and everything.  All in all, a very spiritual and loving combination of numbers.  Some people may like the novelty of it, scheduling weddings years in advance.  For me, 11/11/11 will always be remembered for it is the day that I will say good-bye to the most amazing teacher I have ever had.  She has taught me what it means to love without expectation.  To be grateful for all that comes my way.  To stop and realize that life can really be that simple.  All we need is love, and that is all she ever asked for.  Squeaky toys and rawhides were a bonus.

Tomorrow I say good-bye to my rock, my love, my best friend: My beloved Duchess

She came into my life 12 years ago, and boy was she was a handful.  The people who were giving her up said they didn't feel right keeping her in a condo, but they gave her away to people that lived in an apartment?  Personally, I think they couldn't handle her.  She was a rowdy, out of control 3 year old Springer Spaniel.  The first night we had her, she walked through our screen door.  All she needed was a little love and understanding.  We gave her that and she gave it back in more ways than I ever could have imagined.

There are so many things I loved about her and so many things that annoyed me; the true signs of a lifelong love :)  She indulged me when I did this to her:

And I accepted that I could never talk on the phone without her "talking" too.  (Anyone who has ever spoken to me on the phone while I was at home knows exactly what I am talking about!)  Her biggest fault was loving me to much.  And I am forever grateful for that.

What I will always be in debt the most for is the nights where she was there for me, when things in my marriage fell apart, during and after the divorce.  She always knew when something was wrong, and would come and gently lay her head on my lap.  Or when I hugged her to me crying, she would gently kiss my tears away.  Even now, as we cuddled last night and I cried tears for her, she still kissed them gently away, telling me it's going to be okay.

My once vivacious dog, is no longer the joyful, eager, playful girl she used to be.  My sexy senior citizen, is now just thin and weak.  Arthritis has affected her step.  Old age her hearing and her eyesight.  I will miss her cuddling closer on cold nights or pulling the covers down so she can get under them.  I will miss her being angry with me for leaving her when I got home after a trip.  I will cry every time I get out of the shower when I don"t see her standing there waiting for me.  I will trip over my own feet thinking it is her still walking right next to me.

Some say when you see the numbers 11:11 that it can be a hello from the non-physical world.  Angels arrive in our lives all the time, watching over us, taking care of us.  When I see 11:11, I know my angel is saying hello and trying to lick Malcolm while he swats at her.

Duchess,

You remind me every day to love without expectations, without conditions, with your whole heart.  I have been blessed to share your life.  You will always be my angel, my beautiful girl.  I love you with all my heart.

I hope they have a lot of rawhides and squeaky toys in heaven.

Love always,
mama

Unconditional Love: Homage to a Cat

I have been blessed over the past fourteen years to have had two of the most amazing roommates a girl could ask for.  One always greeted me at the door when I returned home from a day at work or play.  One ran circles around the coffee table, not bothering to contain the excitement that I was home.  In the mornings, I awoke, the filling in an unconditional love sandwich.  Canine bread on the right, Feline on the left.

Malcolm and Duchess. More than just pets.  They are my family, my confidantes, my comfort, my loves, my heart.  Never have I found in a human being what I have found in the animals in my life.  They don't judge.  They love.  And love and love.  Malcolm and Duchess are the first and only pets that I have had, until recently, since I made the big girl move out of my parent's home.  Tomorrow morning, I will say my final goodbye to my beloved first big girl pet, the best boyfriend I ever had, my loving kitty Malkie.

I had been living with Ali ( my ex-husband) for a year when I decided I wanted a pet.  I was lonely on the nights he went to school, and had always had pets growing up.  His friend Jordan had a fluffy cat to give away, and soon Malcolm found his way into our apartment.  He would sit in the bedroom window with full view of the corridor, and when he saw us coming, would jump down and be waiting at the door.  One night we accidentally left the patio door open and he slipped out.  We spent two hours looking for him, knocking on neighbors doors, until I heard his feeble meow from inside a bush.  Freedom did not suit him.

Years passed and we moved in with Ali's dad for awhile to save money to buy a place of our own.  It was a constant battle to keep him from using Ali's father's expensive, imported chairs as his new and improved scratch post.

My favorite memories of him are when we moved into our condo.  Our home was ours and our cat and dog could do whatever they wanted.  There was no furniture to stay off of, no windows to stay out of so the apartment manager wouldn't charge us for the pet deposit.  Here my ferocious feline (not really, he hides when strangers come over) had full reign on his kingdom.  He could often be found sunning himself on the deck, attacking the dog just because she was breathing, but my favorite thing was when he would sit on the stairs and look down at the living room, surveying his kingdom like Mufasa.  He loved laying with Ali.  When Ali was downstairs, Malcolm would follow him around until he would lie on the couch, patiently waiting until he could lay in the nook of his arm.  Always on the left side.  We always said that Malcolm was half dog.  He would come running when you called him and he was always up for a cuddle.

Five years ago, my kitty was diagnosed with kidney failure.  We had to give him an IV to help cleanse his system.  A few weeks ago, I came home, and my kitty didn't meet me at the door, demanding food like he always did.  Soon he stopped eating properly, his IV"s not doing the job anymore.  Now my Mufasa can barely hold his head up to drink water.  My heart is breaking and my tears are flowing for there is no longer anything I can do except to give him some dignity, say good-bye and hope he understands how much he was loved and how I will continue to celebrate him.  Tonight we will cuddle for the last time and tomorrow he will go to the place where amazing cats go to shed his love elsewhere, to bring light and love because it's what he does so well.

My handsome boy, I love you and am so grateful for the mornings you awoke me with your cold nose or when I could feel you sitting on the pillow next to me staring at me, willing me to wake up.  For the times you made me laugh, your soft kisses on my nose, your gentle paw on my face.  The nook of my arm will always be yours, on the left side, near my heart.

I will miss you...until we can cuddle again.
With eternal love,
mama

1/1/11

I made a wish this morning at 11:11 and I intend to do it again at 11:11 this evening.  So at 11:11 on 1/1/11, I will wish for an intention I have requested for this new year.  I created this blog a year ago, and I must say, going back to read my ramblings has put a huge smile on my face.  I have big plans for 2011, but I bid 2010 a fond farewell with a hug and smooch. 

This past week, I tied up some remaining lose ends in my life and have taken some days for reflection.  That reflection looks mighty good.  I feel a sense of freedom as this new year begins and an inner knowing that this is the year for me.  Everything seems to be lining up perfectly.  Of course it always was.  I just didn't see it all the time.

So what has changed?  Nothing really.  I make-up that I finally get it.  I finally get what I need to do.

Let go and detach from outcome.

What do I mean by that?  Glad you asked :)  I have a series of intentions that I have set for myself this year.  I have journaled them out, closed the book and will let it go.  Of course I will work toward my intentions according to the plan, but I will not become the plan.  I will detach from that outcome.  We have become conditioned in our lives that if something we want or a plan hasn't manifested the way we wanted it to, then feelings of failure or disappointment fill our beings.  What we often don't see is that, it is not that we didn't get what we wanted.  We are provided for now and I would venture to say that anyone reading this blog would not be the worse for wear not having received what they wanted.  Our feelings are not wrapped up in that, but rather in the expectation.  We are disappointed or experience failure because our expectations weren't met.  How many times have you been disappointed by a friend or significant other because they didn't do what you expected them to do?  As I said, what YOU expected them to do.  Sometimes we don't even verbalize that expectation.  We expect them to know.  I don't know how your telepathic powers are working these days, but I have yet to master mind-reading skills. I know that I have definitely been guilty of this in the past, and even now still fall for this trap.  At least now I am aware of it.  I can even laugh at myself sometimes when I see myself in this pattern again.  I would venture to say that most of our upsets with others have to do with our expectations not being met.  Notice that this is all happening inside of you.  And you have 100% control of you.

So this year, I will set my intentions and detach from the outcome.  I will always be provided for and know that even the difficult times are providing for me.  Lessons, awareness or even teachings for others; it is all part of the journey.  My life is happening now, in this present moment.  The past is over, the future exists only in my mind.  Even when I arrive at the future, it becomes the present.  Cool right?  I often tell my niece that life is a series of choices.  Every moment of every day, we are making choices.  What will your choices be?

Dear 2011,

This year I intend to live from my heart, follow my intuit, listen to myself for who would care more about me than me? I get to practice kindness, give compassion, be of service and do this all from a place of love. As I sit in my living room, the fire crackling, two loving dogs napping on the couch, what is more perfect than this moment now.  It is all there is, and it is perfect.  I'm taking each moment as it arrives, so 11:11 on 1/1/11, I patiently wait.  I like dreaming and what are wishes but dreams that we want to manifest into our reality.  Bring on your oceans of possibilities new year.  I am open!